The most important pitfall of the beginning kinkster is that they start wanting too much. It does make sense because people are probably fantasizing about their own kink for quite a while and that fantasy keeps on growing every time you… uhmm.. “fantasize”.

When people have been fantasizing for a while and finally have reached a point at which “that they really want to experience it”, they often are afraid for it to “not be real”, that it will be disappointing or that a kinky partner, like a Dom, is going to be too careful.

It’s really understandable because people have been asking their (vanilla) partners, countless of times if it could be a little more “rough” and every time that turned out to be a disappointment. But what happens next is that people who never really felt the crack of a whip, start blaring that “they can take a lot” -because, in their fantasy, they can be hit really hard- and that people who have been fantasizing a lot about humiliation indicate that they “can endure everything you want as a Dom…”

Besides it being a bit much, what some people could want, to give carte blanche in this area (especially combined with a lack of experience), actually means heading straight for trouble and this turns this into a ‘red flag‘. It is not “taking responsibility for your own separate fantasies” but it actually is “just do it” (and if you don’t do it right, then I will just complain afterward).

This is why it’s wise to think about SSC or RACK and to enter a joint responsibility in which you inform each other about the risks, think about the experience levels and are honest about these levels towards each other, after which you will make the exploration amazingly fun and exciting for all parties involved, because that is the goal for everybody at RACK.

If you would like to talk to Hans and learn more about his individual and relationship coaching approach, you can best reach him via Kink Aware Coaching.

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Hans

Hans has over a quarter of a century of experience in the mental health sector. Hans is a certified physiotherapist, psychotherapist and relationship coach. The debilitating effects of shame and taboos have always had his attention.

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