They say that virtually every man on Earth has had the desire to spank his woman at some point – like, as foreplay or whilst having sex.  And it’s not unheard of that guys like a good smack on the arse too 😉 Whether it’s a kinky fetish or simply a spice you want to add to the dish that is your sex life, spanking definitely has its perks.

But if you are looking at porn or BDSM porn for guidance, you will have a very distorted image of how spanking is done. Here some basics to ensure you both have a good time.

Before You Rev up Your Hand

Before you begin spanking,  you have to first find out if your partner would actually enjoy the feeling of an open hand coming into slightly harsh contact with their buttocks. If your partner has ever displayed a liking for dominant sex or enjoys running her nails down your back, then chances are that spanking is a go.

Things is: you can’t leave it up to chance, but really need to have a conversation about it. I know, I know, that sounds incredibly “exciting,” but keep in mind that spanking is domestic discipline – and without explicit consent, it wouldn’t be a hot night, but potentially domestic abuse. Just don’t go there.

Before you get going, make sure your partner is in a comfortable position that they can stay in during the course of a round of spankings. Agree on – or reiterate – safewords that the spankee can use to indicate their level of distress.

What to Spank With

While you have the option of spanking a butt with a paddle, a shoe or an abundance of other props, I would advise that you start off with your hand. It allows you to get the full feel of the ass-spanking connection. Not kidding here, OTK (over the knee) can be amazingly connecting. Also, it tends to hurt less than if you would use any BDSM toys. You can grow into more painful spanking over time, but keep in mind that not everybody who likes the degrading aspects of spanking also enjoys pain.

Where to Spank

Go for the ‘padded’ bits, like the butt cheeks and maybe upper thighs. Don’t ever spank on joints or bits of the body that are not padded, like the chin for example. Spanking the bottom with an underhand is a totally different sensation than from the side or on top – experiment with light spanks and explore what your partner likes.

At all times avoid spanking the kidneys. That’s not only very painful (as in: bad pain), you could also injure your partner. If you are not sure where the kidneys are, check before you get going.

In time, you can branch out to other areas of the body – but I would recommend to check out classes to make sure you only hurt – and don’t harm – your partner.

How to Spank

There are many different styles of spanking and which one you go for probably largely depends on the atmosphere you want to set. If you are just starting out with spanking, it’s best to play it safe and leave harder play as something to look forward to, when you both are in tune with each other.

For beginners, it’s good to start with a nice warm-up. Give your partners bottom a good rub, think of massage here, not peeling 🙂 You can – and it will certainly be appreciated – branch out a bit and rub your partner’s private parts. A great way to heighten the anticipation.

Your first spanking sessions are best kept short. Say, three rounds of five minute spankings, with two breaks in between. That way you ensure you can practice communication and just see if you both really do enjoy it.

Always start slow and light. Try to get into a rhythm, keep a steady pace, and don’t hit the same spot all the time. By rhythm, I mean having a sequence, like four spanks left, then four spanks right, then four left again and so on. Rhythm gives the spankee the chance to tune in and cope better with the pain. One Mississippi, two Mississippi…

Of course, if you want to be mean, you can intentionally NOT have any rhythm. Also fun sometimes.

It can be great to keep breaks in between the spankings rather calm. You can caress the spots your spanked, or masturbate your partner a bit to get them going. Arousal also helps deal with the pain, so you can smack it up a nudge.

After you checked that your partner is still having a good time, you can spank a bit harder in the second session and yet harder in the last. Make sure you watch your partners body language and listen to their breathing as an indicator for how they are doing. If you are unsure, don’t leave it up to chance and ask. A nice technique to keep track of a bottom’s wellbeing is if the Top instructs to count up or down with each spank. It’s crucial then that as a Top, you wait until your bottom counts – and give them time. The harder you hit, the more time a sub might need to process the blow.

Tip: Don’t judge the level of pain they are in by how loud they are crying. Some people enjoy to make noise and some people retreat when they are in agony, so: use your words.

Some spanking how-tos will insist that a session MUST end in tears, otherwise you are doing it wrong. I say: Bullshit. Your spanking must end in both of you feeling good about what just happened. And whilst for many bottoms … as in subs…  that means releasing tension through crying, for others it doesn’t. Especially if you are spanking beginners, your partner might need a few sessions to feel comfortable crying. Fun, pleasure and words are much better guides than tears.

Did I forget anything? Do you have questions? Leave a comment 🙂

Also, we are working hard on a Spanking Course that at spanking in much more detail. If you are interested, sign up to our newsletter and we’ll give you a shout when it’s there.

Happy spanking 🙂

Sonja is a co-founder of boldpleasures. She's on a mission to free people to revel in their true sensuality by removing the stigma surrounding kink. Sonja writes about first steps, ditching the shame and how to combine kink and 'normal' family life. She's a mother of two and happily married.

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