Reader Question: BDSM might be an exciting world, but I do wonder what is the best way to find a playing partner? 

Imagine; you’re a normal hetero guy like me and you are aware of your submissive BDSM-feelings. What is the best way to find a nice playing partner who has dominant feelings? I do go to parties and do encounter people online, but I never took the step to ask a Dominant partner/Mistress if she would like it to get to know each other a little better.

I never know if a Dominant partner/mistress appreciates this kind of thing. That is why I wanted to ask you if you could advise me about what would be the best way as a beginner to find a nice female playing partner who is a Dom.

Dear Reader,
When you start out as a  BDSM person, you obviously have the complete mindset of the role when you step into this scene. I was like this the first time. It is really exciting indeed, but how do you, as a right-minded slave/sub person, approach your attractive Dom?

Well, if you’re a very good slave; you don’t!

Because, when you’re into the role, you should wait nicely to see if the lady feels like giving you any attention (unless you’re a rebel-sub). The dominant party needs to pick you.
In that case, there is a chance you have to wait for a very long time.

And that’s exactly what’s happening sometimes: “there is a chance you have to wait for a very long time”, because, unless you have a truly godlike body, the Dom might sometimes not approach you at all. It makes sense though, because she probably does not even know what kind of a successful sub you actually are (Btw, if you DO have a godlike body, they might still not approach you because they might be a little intimidated about your appearance. Doms are only people too.)

So, at first, you need another level of looking for someone to establish this contact before you decide to play the roles, that you are willing to start a game scenario. Even if you, from that moment, are submissive 24/7… until that time, you’re equal as two people with an equal minded hobby/interest/kink.

Don’t take two steps at the same time

So, the best way to find a nice partner in the BDSM-scene….is not that much different from the rest of the world. Show that you’re an attractive partner. Talk about your wishes and things you’re not sure about (yet) with a smile on your face and ask people how they think about those things (people -so definitely also Doms, they like to talk about themselves). Be active in discussions and social life. Show that you know how to enjoy your life and that a partner could possibly mean that you would enjoy your life even more.

Ask the people you like to get to know each other a little better (whether they are subs, doms, males, females, employees or guests). Because: the more people you know, the more people who can introduce you to someone who is looking for someone like you.
And (always a little scary) you never know up front how someone will react to your offer or question. That’s why we call it contact and not a role(playing game)… that’s for later😉. Contact takes place on an equal level.


It’s useful to have your needs clear in your mind and, as I would say, have three stories prepared:

  • The one sentence which says it all,
  • the short story with exciting main events, and
  • the whole story with all its juicy (and gory) details

This way, you at least have something to say when someone asks you about what excites you. You sometimes see that people only have the whole story ready when someone asks them a short question. It can turn a little “awkward” when someone has to listen to an entire monologue just because they asked what the other person would like.
Would you like to discuss this with a neutral person who doesn’t think most things are strange? You know where to find me!

So, also as a good sub….happy hunting! 😉

Hans has over a quarter of a century of experience in the mental health sector. Hans is a certified physiotherapist, psychotherapist and relationship coach. The debilitating effects of shame and taboos have always had his attention.


  1. This is exactly the situation I’m in I’m a submissive but there aren’t any around me and my dominant man will never come to me but I don’t know how to look for him.

    • hey there, sometimes it can feel very overwhelming to look for a dominant. The best way to get to know people – and get to know the PEOPLE first, before you submit 🙂 – is to go to meet your local scene. is a good place to find out about local munches and meetups. There’s a dom for every sub 🙂 Good luck finding him and don’t give up. 😡 Sonja

  2. yeah, be visible as a (nice) person first. And then your… uhhmm… applicability 😉 as a sub will have an interesting frame. (i often think of submission as a work of art)
    you may have to travel… you may have to invest time (it took me 45+ years to find my wife)


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