Alyssa Milano’s #MeToo action shows how many women have been sexually harassed. And no, it’s not just about catcalling when walking down the street. No, it’s not something harmless, because the insecurities which you go through as a victim, it does something to a person.

If we have the courage to face that it’s been normal for a longer period of time for women to be harassed than that it’s not…. What does it mean for the women we live with? What does that mean for their courage when it comes to being sexual in this society?

And what does it mean for us men? And what can we, as men, learn from kinky sex?

Harvey Weinstein for Example

Can you blame Harvey Weinstein for wanting Gwyneth Paltrow or Angelina Jolie, amongst other women? Barely, I guess. What a pair of beautiful women!

Could you blame him for crossing the line in his proposals towards these women? In my opinion, that depends of your image of “a man”.

If you think: “Yeah, that’s a very beautiful woman, some sort of a super stimulus for every man. Causing men not to be able to think properly. Reducing them to some sort of a drooling animal, not being capable of anything else than chasing their own dick…”.. well, in that case it is com-ple-tely these women’s fault for being so damn attractive. (…)

As a man, I refuse this.

Would I like to “do” the women which might have been harassed by Weinstein from his position of power in the movie industry? Hell yes!

Would I have approached these women the same way?…

I obviously can never be sure. I have never been in a luxury position with so much power over the careers of these women. But I sure hope not. Actually, I really don’t think so.

More Than a Dog

I actually like – as a manly man – to be a little more than just an excited dog. That’s coming from a person who says that a man is not very different from all other mammals. Even better, I think we should get rid of a big piece of our arrogance and I think that a big part of our human psychopathological being is linked to overestimating our willpower.

However, I do think that if we take our animalistic side serious, then we, as men, are capable of being more than just an exciting dog.

But if you look at yourself and you have told yourself you are not much more than a “savage”, an animal, then you are not training your willpower. Then you are not even starting making an effort to control your urges. You’re training nothing at all.

Then it’s all about the stimulus you’re receiving that will direct the things you will do. Not your willpower, your religion, your norms and values. When you then encounter some long legs and a skirt, you just have to feel them. Afterwards you will say it’s not your fault because, obviously, she was ´asking for it being dressed like that in my presence”

Then we create a culture in which it is logical that women not only do not orgasm when we make love to them, we then create a culture in which women will defend themselves against sex. Then we create a culture in which it is more normal for a woman to be sexually assaulted, harassed or even raped than when this is not happening.

We are talking about our sisters here, our girlfriends, our wives and our mothers. And the worst thing is, we don’t even know it because they’ve learned not to talk about it anymore.

Until now, until the call of Alyssa Milano to respond on social media with #MeToo if you’ve experienced the same thing.

And yes, that’s about the world our sisters, wives and mothers live in. With the exception maybe of women being covered in facial hair, a layer of fat and clothes which hide every possible thing that could arouse a man. Because if they do not look like that, then it’s not “their own fault” if we cross their lines.

And it scares me… I know the numbers and I know how much. I treat women who’ve been through it to leave these kinds of experiences in the past instead of re-living them again and again. But it also shocks me to see that there are so many.

Learning from Kinky Sex

What I think that our society could learn of those kinksters, is that we (as connoisseurs of sex), are aware of the importance of safety. We know that -when we organize a party- we need to let the women feel a sense of security, because only then they are courageous enough to show their femininity.

We have to think about consent and being equal in between all the fun and kinky “inequality”. We have to talk about it, especially so we can enjoy these inequalities.

Because when women are able to enjoy the party, then the men are able to smile during that party as well.

Sex needs different sides. Sex needs excitement. There are not a lot of people that will be turned on by their own reflection in the nude… In the difference, that’s where you can find all the excitement. The Yin attracting the Yang and vice versa. Sex can definitely be animalistic. If it’s just sex.

That’s why men who enjoy kinky sex know that the willpower, which I mentioned before, is important to train. So that it turns into a muscle you can flex or can relax.

If we do not learn to control ourselves, if we keep harassing women on the street, if we keep sexually assaulting women as men and if we keep touching them when they do not ask for it, then women will never have the courage to reveal their true selves. We as kinksters know this.

That’s why we kick those annoying kinds of men out during our kinky parties. Because they ruin the party and they make women feel like they have to keep watching themselves at all times.

That’s why we kick them out of our parties, those losers who do not follow the unwritten rules, the morons who are too stupid to inform themselves so they also know that respect is the most important thing during these kinds of parties. To have respect for one another so that your partner knows that we can behave like there is no respect, because this way, we respect each other’s sex.

A lot of women let us know that they can dress provocative during a kinky party, can enjoy some good sex especially because they know that there is a smaller chance to be groped under their short skirt than in an average bar!


Us kinksters celebrate our sexuality! … and (self)control is a part of that…

It is decades after the sexual revolution and two third of the women still do not orgasm when they make love to a man, while most of the men do orgasm when they make love to a woman..which also puts an end to the love making…

Every idiot knows that women have an orgasm curve which takes about five times as long as that of a man. Every pleb knows that “in-out-in-out” (repeat) could give a woman the feeling of being attractive… but that normally does not lead to an orgasm.

I often borrow a quote of a friend of mine who talked to male police officers about BDSM:

So you’re fucking your wife, your girlfriend? How long does that take? Does she actually orgasm? You think I’m different? My slave has a 2-hour lasting foreplay and by the time that I orgasm, she can barely walk anymore… that is my kick! 

Obviously, that is macho-talk! Because most men actually really like it when a woman enjoys what they are doing to them. It makes bragging about it fun as well.

I personally do not mind “man talk”. I do mind it however when they have their “man talk” and that “man talk” results in the sexual assault and rape of so many women!

The Lessons

But does the lesson from #MeToo should be about me feeling guilty about my more animal-like way of utilizing my power which make my kinky lovers very happy? Do I have to believe that #MeToo is about expressing power and that this is not OK while there are partners which are actually enjoying this?

Or do I have to conclude that the lack of intelligence is the problem of men which have caused the #MeToo campaign? Should I think that they did not have the courage to look for lovers that also enjoy their kick (or kink)? Might it be better to conclude that the people which have caused the #MeToo notifications do not know how to talk about their needs in a constructive manner so that they are more attractive towards their (potential) partners?

Not the animal-like side, but the lack of sex-positive communication and control are the problem.

That is why I really like the French variant of the #MeToo hastag: the #BalanceTonCochon (balance your pig). Because it is not about slaughtering our “inner pig”, it is about balancing it.

I think that this is exactly what “normal” men could learn from those “different” kinksters. For example:

  • Keep your hands of women and man who you admire until the encourage you to do so!
  • Learn to accept “no” as an answer (and do this in a way that does not ruin the atmosphere)
  • You’re not entitled to anything. But if you learn how to play the game, then things will come to you!
  • Respect each other (and respecting is something completely different than “to be afraid of…”) and not only respect each other as a sex object, but especially as people wanting to have sex. (When things happen like they should)
  • Communicate about your needs (in a respectful manner) before you start acting on them. “Embrace the awkwardness” and learn the language necessary to talk about this.
  • Enjoy sex and make sure that your partners at least enjoy your sex just as much and vice versa. (exactly this will lead to them willing to work harder for you so you can enjoy their sex with you as well).
  • If you can enjoy your animal-like mindset in a controlled manner, then you can enjoy a lot (more than when you let go and do not control it or only being able to let go under the influence of drugs or alcohol)
  • Educate yourself! about the kinky shit that you want to do or about the sex that you want to have (risks, optimal pleasure, learn how to dose – intensity-, safe sex)
  • and look at the amount of women and men using the hashtag #metoo to indicate that they felt assaulted and abused in their lives… and that says something about us as men!

 

Hans has over a quarter of a century of experience in the mental health sector. Hans is a certified physiotherapist, psychotherapist and relationship coach. The debilitating effects of shame and taboos have always had his attention.

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