Whether you are in a steady D/s relationship, follow the BDSM lifestyle in an open relationship with different play partners or are in a polyamorous relationship: Family life begins when you first start thinking about having children. Or rather,

Your responsibility for your unborn child begins when you start thinking about having children

Before you actively try to conceive (TTC), it’s important that you sit down with all people involved to talk about how you see your life change once the little person is on his or her way. And rest assured, change it will. If you believe things will just stay the way they are when you are pregnant or the child is born, you will be in for a big surprise.

Here’s a few things to address and be aware of when trying to get pregnant as a kinky couple:

The Mechanical Side of Becoming Pregnant

Let’s keep things simple – in order to get pregnant, sperm has to find the egg within a 12 hour window of opportunity, fertilize it and send it on its merry way down to the uterus where it hopefully implants and nature works it’s miracle. Sperm may swim around waiting for ovulation for a few days prior. But really, the chance for getting pregnant every cycle is surprisingly small.

The longer you try to get pregnant, the more – at least the woman – is typically aware of her cycle. And with that comes the ‘oh honey, I might be ovulating in two days, let’s have sex’ – or ‘oh dear I think I might be ovulating early, quick, let’s have sex’ routine. Whilst that sounds funny, it tends to get rather trying after a few attempts. So far so good for any couple that wants to have children.

The additional complication for kinksters trying to become pregnant is that we tend to be much more versatile in our sexuality. So remembering to orgasm vaginally might be harder. If the lady is in charge, that’s not so much of an issue. But for female submissive it might be a bit scary to remind their dominant that it might not be a good day to come over their boobs. And a dom asking ‘girl do I need to come inside you?’ is a sure mood killer.

So doms, keep track of those days and know where to put your cock. (In general, a good rule of thumb 😉

If you are in an open relationship type, also make sure you let everybody know you went off the contraceptives. If you didn’t practice safer sex with your other partners thus far, consider doing so now – both to prevent confusion about biological parenthood and reduce the risk for STIs and STDs.

The Emotional Side of Trying to Get Pregnant

Everybody knows that pregnant women tend to be crazy emotionally challenged. It’s a cliché but like so many clichés it’s true in most cases. Few people realize that already trying to conceive can mess with your emotions.

Responsibility & Equality in Parenthood

Vanilla or kinky, the thought of being responsible for a tiny little person – or another tiny little person – can be daunting. It seems like you just fairly recently had your own life in order (or maybe you feel like you aren’t there yet) – will you be ready to have somebody else depend on you? Will you make the right decisions? How will you handle things logistically, financially? All expecting and new parents struggle with these questions. Kinda… every day 😉

When you are in a BDSM relationship, it’s important to dedicate time to discuss these questions as equals. And finding a level of equality within your relationship to decide matters of parenthood as father and mother – rather than submissive and dominant. Read Parents Have to Be Equals for why I am so adamant about this topic.

I have seen many couples struggle switching between protocols. It takes practice, so I recommend starting already when trying to conceive. Find a way, whenever you discuss baby, to make clear that you are leaving the BDSM part of your relationship and enter the parenting part of your relationship. Don’t let people tell you that’s too hard and will take too much away from your D’s relationship – it can be done 🙂

The Big Fat Negative

The big fat negative – of BFN – refers to a negative pregnancy test. Before you tried to conceive, that lonely single line might have been a huge sigh of relief. But let me tell you, it quickly changes when you are trying to get pregnant.

For me personally, for many years, the BFN was a sign of failure. It started out as a ‘oh well, maybe next month’ – but turned into utter devastation pretty soon. Now granted, I am a naturally very emotional person. But I’ve heard many women tell me that failure to get pregnant over an extended period of time makes them feel inadequate. After all, procreation is our evolutionary purpose – so wtf is wrong with me?

Dommes like to be in control and submissives like to please – well and the big fat negative doesn’t help either of those tendencies. The important thing is to make your BDSM relationships work for you, not against you. Use the above-average communication skills and your kinky partner to make you feel better. As a domme, ask your sub for some extra worship time. As a sub, ask your dominant to make you feel like a good girl and cherished and loved during those days after the negative pregnancy test.

Especially if after a while, you decide to go into fertility treatment, you will need that extra dimension of WE and teamwork. The hormones and procedures on that path truly mess with the entire You. And whilst that is for a later post, ping me if you want to share experiences or have questions.

The Prospect of Change in Relationships

Lastly, having your first child – or another baby after a while – might change the nature of your relationships. It’s something I personally gave way too little thought when first trying to conceive. Especially because I didn’t, I would recommend you and your partners to very consciously and openly discuss what you envision your needs, wants and nice-to-haves to be when you are pregnant and when baby is there.

The Relationship Side of Trying to Conceive

It sounds like such a strange question to ask but, who do you want to have a child with? If you are in a monogamous relationship, the answer to that question is very simple.

If you are in any form of open relationship or polyamorous relationship, it is not. In those cases, the answer might be obvious to you still – but not necessarily for all parties involved. Transparency and open communication about a few questions is very important – not just for you but more importantly for your future child:

1. Who will be the biological mother and the biological father?
2. Who will raise the child – the biological parents or an extended family?
3. If you intend to raise your child in a polyamorous household, are all members happy with the wish to get pregnant?
4. What does your wish to have a child – or more children – mean for your other partners?
5. How does trying to conceive change relationship dynamics (with other partners)?
6. How does a future pregnancy change relationship dynamics (with other partners)?
It’s a good idea to already now start thinking about what the BDSM side of your relationship will look like during pregnancy when you are limited to a subset of toys and techniques.
7. How does a child change relationship dynamics (with other partners)?

Before bringing new life into the world, make sure you are comfortable with the current relationship form you are in. Changing it when you are pregnant or the child is there will be infinitely more difficult.

Enjoyed this article?  Read more of Sonja’s work here.

Sonja is a co-founder of boldpleasures. She's on a mission to free people to revel in their true sensuality by removing the stigma surrounding kink. Sonja writes about first steps, ditching the shame and how to combine kink and 'normal' family life. She's a mother of two and happily married.

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