For strong women all over the world, the word submissive used in sexual context can still rouse feelings and thoughts of oppression and anti-feminism. I myself am often greeted with a chorus of gasps when I explain my own sexual preferences and how I like to be submissive in the bedroom. But how can I be sexually submissive and still be a feminist?

I am very open about my preferences in the bedroom, and it quite often becomes a hot topic for my friends.  I remember the first time I revealed that I play the part of the female submissive, they were shocked, to say the least. On reflection, I can see why, in my day-to-day life I am a successful and influential businesswoman, feminist, strong mother and all-round boss. I have a very dominant persona and don’t take shit from anyone. It’s no surprise really that my friends gasped to discover that I am a slave to pleasure.

Controversial Beginnings

The historical relationship between feminists and BDSM (Bondage Domination Submission and Masochism) practitioners has always been controversial.  During the 1970s BDSM was considered contradictory to being a feminist. In 1975 Susan Brownmiller an acclaimed American Feminist Journalist released a statement claiming, “In her view, masochism is merely a myth of patriarchy, an excuse for rape.

The sex war raged on through the 1980s but gained serious backing from feminist scholars who continued to research and apply different feminist academic frameworks to the questions of sexuality and BDSM in an effort to find a way to bridge the gap between the two groups.

If you’d like to discover more about BDSM history, I recommend this great little read thanks to Wikipedia.

Life as a Submissive

As an active feminist, I am forever thankful to the women who valiantly fought for women’s rights. And after all what they fought for was CHOICE. We’ve come along way since the 1970s.

So I can choose to be a leader by day and a slave by night. We have so many facets of our daily life, as an employee, I mentor the women in tech around me to stand tall and proud in a male-dominated world. As a wife, I am an equal to my partner and we face the world side by side. As a mother, I raise my daughters to be strong and independent little ladies. And one of the many roles I play is that of a submissive – to a carefully picked Dominant.

Being sexually submissive doesn’t take away anything from all the other roles I play, It’s an addition to ‘me’.  And it’s not that you utterly give up control. You actively hand over power. For a limited amount of time (as in: for an evening, for as long as death do us part until I say my safe word or until the baby cries and we have to be parents again)

In that respect, submissive and dominants are equals – they both can stop play at any point in time.

Changing the Misconception

Sexual exploration is liberating. Changing the misconceptions of what it means to be sexually submissive female is important to me. Exploring your submissive side won’t mean you’re throwing down the “walk all over me”-doormat. You are still in control and hold the power of allowing someone to dominate you.

It takes strength of character and a real communicator to be comfortable with being the sexual submissive.

I promote healthy BDSM, which means, not handing over power to someone who doesn’t know anything about you and what you like, but instead finding and setting the parameters to your sexual partnership that works for both the submissive and the dominant.

As a submissive, you exchange power. Never control.

Stay safe, stay sane. Enjoy. Ditch Shame 🙂

Sonja is a co-founder of boldpleasures. She's on a mission to free people to revel in their true sensuality by removing the stigma surrounding kink. Sonja writes about first steps, ditching the shame and how to combine kink and 'normal' family life. She's a mother of two and happily married.

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