Knowing where to start when you want to go kinky is very daunting. Here some essential concepts to make sure you don’t stumble along the first path.

Kink Is a Spectrum

If you are thinking ’50 Shades of Grey’, think again. Kink and BDSM comes in so many colors, shapes and forms that it can be quite overwhelming if you are new to kink.

Rules of the Internet #36

If it exists, someone has a fetish for it. No exceptions.

When you start exploring that amazing kinky world out there, don’t get boxed in. Express your feelings and desires by describing them, rather than labeling them. That way you dodge all those folks out there who will try to tell you that you are doing this and that ‘wrong’ or ‘not good enough’ just because you don’t fit into their box.

For example, if you say “I am a slave” that will mean a whole lot of subtext of varying degrees to people who are in ‘the scene’ for a long while. In some cases maybe opposite things. Avoid terminology discussions and describe what you mean instead: “I like to kneel in front of a more dominant person and feel small” for example.

Safe, Sane & Consensual

Whatever you do, you need to make sure you don’t harm yourself or others around you. That might sound a bit counterintuitive at first because you will most likely be hurt or hurt someone when practicing BDSM.

Knowing the difference between hurt and harm is crucial.

The responsibility for practicing safe and sane kink – or risk aware kink is with all parties involved. Even if the control during a session is with the dominant party, the responsibility for everybody’s mental and physical safety lies with the submissives just as much.

Consent is a tricky business and should never be assumed, but explicitly discussed. That requires talking about what you would like to do and what you don’t want to do. Learn about hard and soft limits, about safewords and agree with your partner(s) on concrete terms.

Don’t Bubble up

When starting up, many people get immersed by the kink bubble. You don’t read about anything else, because it’s so damn exciting and new. BDSM is everywhere. You only chat online to kinky people, maybe you start dating… you get the drift. It’s easy to get lost in what feels like a whole new world. But, don’t. Practicing kink is in many ways ‘next level’ for exploring your own sexuality and personality in general. The more stable your ‘vanilla’ life is, the more likely you will be to have a positive kink experience.

Meeting People Online

The usual rules about online safety apply just as much when meeting people online. It feels like a safe way to take first steps. But be aware that it’s very hard online to know who you are dealing with. Before committing time, effort and feelings into online relationships, be sure you are dealing with a safe and sane person. Especially submissive types have to make extra sure they don’t revel their actual identity, location or get sucked in an unhealthy, abusive relationship in any shape or form.

Meeting People in Real-Life

Meeting people in real-life is the best way to learn more about kink. The safest route is to meet up at munches. Those are vanilla-style meetups. Vanilla means everybody looks and acts totally normal not kinky and nobody could tell there is BDSM involved. Munches usually take place in public locations like cafes, bars and pubs. People wear street clothes and you can ask whatever you dare to ask – or just observe silently.

Then there are kinky clubs and so called play-parties and of course swinger clubs that you can join. Make sure you know if you need an invitation and be aware of the dress-code, so you the bouncer doesn’t send you away at the door.

Lastly, especially if you started online dating, you will at some point meet 1on1 with someone for the first time. Make sure you checked all bases to know that the person you are meeting with and the location are safe and sane.

Sonja is a co-founder of boldpleasures. She's on a mission to free people to revel in their true sensuality by removing the stigma surrounding kink. Sonja writes about first steps, ditching the shame and how to combine kink and 'normal' family life. She's a mother of two and happily married.

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.