It’s a pretty big thing to tell your partner that you are looking for more in your sex life. Wether we don’t want to lose face to those we love most or are afraid of rejection and ridicule: Fear too often stops us from opening up. Potentially missing out on something amazing.

One of the things I have learned over the past decade exploring sex and kink is that the possibilities are endless. The most important thing is that you, as a couple, find out what path you can and want to explore together.

Six ground rules to talk sex in a positive way:

1 – Create a safe space.

Much as you might be afraid to be judged or pushed back, your partner might be just as insecure. Acknowledging that talking about sex is difficult, is the first step. Sharing why you in particular find it hard, is a great second one.  Then, check these basics for talking in general and make sure you both are up for ‘the talk’.

2 – Be brave.

Talking about your desires and fantasies is a brave thing. You show your partner a lot of trust in making yourself vulnerable like that. It doesn’t hurt to explicitly say so.  Stand tall and stand proud and you will leave little room for ridicule and dismissal.

3 – Reassure your partner.

Make sure your partner understands that you sharing fantasies isn’t about them not having been ‘good enough’. Don’t compare to past experiences with other people – or worse, other people. Make sure they know that you want them to be part of a journey together.

4 – Talk about the good things.

Spend time talking about what you like about sex with your partner. What turns you on about the other, what hot shit you did in the past. It’s too easy to focus on what’s missing.

5 – Don’t judge.

When your partner shares something with you that sounds absurd or perverted at first glance, take a moment to step back.  Give your partner space to explain and ask questions. Don’t laugh, don’t ridicule but aim to understand.

6 – Listen to your body.

Sometimes we are so consumed by ‘what is right and proper’ that we miss out on important queues our body gives us. If you think something is too far out at first, but your body gets aroused – think again. On the other hand, if ‘something just doesn’t feel right’, that’s enough reason to wait with exploration.

If in doubt, try things out in a safe, sane and consensual way. You might be surprised how much you will enjoy flavours of sex tomorrow that you thought impossible yesterday.

Sonja is a co-founder of boldpleasures. She's on a mission to free people to revel in their true sensuality by removing the stigma surrounding kink. Sonja writes about first steps, ditching the shame and how to combine kink and 'normal' family life. She's a mother of two and happily married.

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.