Non-monogamy … Definitions “by exclusion” are by definition tricky definitions.

The fact that we often encounter the term non-monogamy in the world of non-normal sexuality, is because “monogamy” in our culture is considered normal.

When we do not think about this and someone talks about a “couple”, then we often visualize a hetero-oriented and monogamous relationship. For people who discover that they want more in life than something orthodox, or something other than what is considered normal, then a definition like this is often per exclusion a first step.

So if I am not normal… what am I?

If I’m not monogamous, then what am I? Am I someone who likes to sleep with someone else behind my partner’s back? Or would I prefer to be completely open about my desires? Do I only want sex with the other person, or do I also want a romantic relationship with them too?

And how would I feel if my partner wants these same rights? What are the responsibilities I wish to commit to towards other people? Do I want to be a parent, live together or being able to go somewhere? Am I ready to face the reactions from society and attend the company party with all three of us?…and what’s Christmas going to be like?

Not Choosing Is Also a Choice

When someone chooses to be non-monogamous, this indicates that they have chosen to let go of the standard boundaries and usual means of protection. When people decide to reject the conventional path, “being different” and “acting different” in our society will raise questions and comments you normally do not have to face.

Experimenting with “normality” by being different might trigger anger from others. Often simply because your presence can make them question themselves if things were different. When homosexuals are beaten up, it often raises the question of whether the aggressor might be more afraid of his own homosexual tendencies. This can often be the real reason behind the act of aggression.

“if you think your partner is not enough, you should just get a divorce”.. this statement has probably destroyed a lot of marriages.

Someone who chooses to be non-monogamous, should be strong enough to handle the social pressure to get you to go back to mainstream sexuality. By not exhibiting your extraordinary needs, then you will also avoid any questions or comments. However, the price you pay is you feel that you cannot be yourself.

This also applies to the world of therapy in which “opinions” and “personal beliefs” are very similar to each other and in many cases, are not always consistent with scientific reality.

“non-monogamy is a sign of issues with intimacy”
(while we see more instrumental forms of relationships within a monogamous relationship)

What Choice Will You Make?

In the end, the choice of not choosing is indeed a first step. After that, you will ask yourself “What is it that I want? (and where do I find it?)”

Finding yourself and looking for social possibilities are a part of it.

It is easier to come out of the closet when you know where you’re heading.

Non-monogamy is often the start of a journey in which you have to decide on your opinion and in which you always have the right to re-think that opinion. Non-monogamy is something different now than that it will be in ten years.

Hans has over a quarter of a century of experience in the mental health sector. Hans is a certified physiotherapist, psychotherapist and relationship coach. The debilitating effects of shame and taboos have always had his attention.

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