Just to be clear: the kink-scene is a positive scene with mostly kind and open-minded people. But the kink-scene is also not a fairy-tale and it is indeed the open mindedness of the BDSM community that makes this scene also kinda ‘attractive’ for people with sometimes serious and even dangerous issues. That’s why there are so called “Red Flags” in when you are dating “in the scene”. Like everywhere, people in the kink-scene are often looking for a partner and then it might come in handy to get to know these “Red Flags”.

A red flag in the kink-world is a term used for behavior or something that is being said which could alert the community about someone possibly not being as “innocent” or that a situation might even be potentially dangerous; either physically or emotionally.

Over the course of time, from my client’s and my own life experience and  based on the experiences of my clientele and data from several discussions (online and IRL), I’ve compiled the following list which I will try to somewhat classify.

How to read

None of these red flags by themselves are reason to end a relationship or to judge someone as being “harmful”. Especially with these kind of playful situations, you will probably encounter a part of these kind of behaviors, to the enjoyment of both individuals. But when a few of these pop up, it could at least be handy to talk about this with other kinksters or a professional. It might be a signal for a relationship or a situation heading the wrong way and that always requires taking action, because every automatism can easily turn into a (bad0 habit.

Action

When a BDSM-relationship is no longer a fun, beautiful, exciting or passionate relationship which adds to the quality of life (even when pain and humiliation are a part of it), but instead turns into something that might as well be called domestic violence, then we advise to treat it it as such.

Contact your friends and there also really call your situation a case of “domestic violence” when talking to them. Also tell your partner -if this will not endanger you- that you experience the situation as “a case of domestic violence”. Ant treat your situation as such.

That sounds serious?..
…because it is serious.

And when you cannot have a constructive conversation that changes the situation, we also recommend to consider to report it to the authorities. Because what is happening to you, will probably also happen to the next “victim”.

Read these:

You will find several duplications between these files because when something is unhealthy for people, it will always be unhealthy, whether you’re a Dom or a sub.

I always aim for completion, so if you have anything to add, I would be happy to hear it.

If you would like to talk to Hans and learn more about his individual and relationship coaching approach, you can best reach him via Kink Aware Coaching.

Hans has over a quarter of a century of experience in the mental health sector. Hans is a certified physiotherapist, psychotherapist and relationship coach. The debilitating effects of shame and taboos have always had his attention.

2 COMMENTS

  1. Hi . I am about two months out of a one year long relationship. I spent the whole year feeling unsure and confused with my boyfriend. I’ve never experienced sex quite the way it was with him at least in the beginning of our relashionship . I’d like to chat with someone who may know so i can get a clearer understanding instead of thinking , maybe i’m crazy or made this up in my mind . Also , becoming curious as i research and may like to learn .

    • Of course, there is likely to be a difference between the first weeks and e few years into the relationship. But the decline you seem to have experienced seems to be quite steep 🙁
      The first one you could talk with might be your lover indeed. But undoubtedly you have already tried that. So yes, it could be a good idea to talk with somebody to talk about talking to your lover…
      This is not wordplay. Sometimes we need a hand and a bit of encouragement to help us talk to our lovers about the things that keep us awake at night. So the training “Sometimes, it takes one to Tango” is something you could try?
      Connect to Hans @ KinkAwareCoach.com please to help you in this 🙂

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