BDSM is an acronym for bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism. It encompasses a wide range of sexual behaviors and activities, from spanking and chains to more extreme activities like urine play and electric shock. While BDSM can be a healthy and consensual sexual activity between two consenting adults, there are also some red flags that can ruin the dom-sub relationship.  

When it comes to BDSM dating and relationships, the red flags can become very important. After all, you want to make sure that you’re not getting involved with someone who is going to mistreat you. Or who doesn’t have the same interests as you? So, what are some of the key red flags to look for in a BDSM relationship? Keep reading to find out!

10 Biggest BDSM Red Flags in Dating & Relationships

1. They are pushy about sex and kink early on 

If your potential partner is pushing you to do things sexually or kink-wise that you’re not comfortable with, that’s a red BDSM flag. A good BDSM relationship is built on trust, mutual respect, and communication—not coercion. If your partner can’t respect your boundaries, they’re not worth your time.

2. They don’t take “no” for an answer

Similar to the first point, if your partner doesn’t take “no” for an answer when it comes to sex or kink, that’s a major red BDSM flag. Again, a good BDSM relationship should have some boundaries, and if your partner can’t even respect your basic boundaries, they’re not worth your time or energy.

3. They expect you to change for them

If your partner is constantly trying to change who you are as a person—whether it’s the way you dress, the way you talk, or anything else—that’s not cool. We all have our own unique quirks and aspects of our personality that make us who we are, and those are things that should be celebrated, not changed. If your partner can’t accept you for who you are, it is a red flag.

4. They try to control every aspect of your life

Jealousy is one thing. But if your partner is trying to control every aspect of your life, that’s not normal. No one should have that much control over another person—it’s just not healthy or sustainable in the long run. If your partner is exhibiting these controlling behaviors early on in the relationship, it’s best to end things now before it gets any further down the road.  

5. They gaslight you

If your partner is constantly making you question your reality or gaslighting you in any way, shape, or form, that’s an absolute red BDSM flag. A good relationship is built on mutual respect. If your partner is unwilling to respect you, do not give them space in your life.  

6. They are emotionally abusive

Emotional abuse can manifest itself in many different ways. It can be a BDSM pride flag or a kink flag. It can be from constant put-downs to manipulation and mind games. But all forms of emotional abuse are unacceptable in any relationship. If you find yourself in an emotionally abusive relationship, get out as soon as possible. No matter how much you care for the person, no love is worth putting up with that such treatment 

7. They don’t respect your safe word

A safe word is there for a reason—to provide a way out when things get too intense or uncomfortable. If you find yourself in a situation where your safe words are not being respected, get out of there. Your safety should always be paramount in kink pride flags, no matter what. 

8. They try to force you into doing things against your will

Forcing someone into doing something against their will—whether it’s sexual acts, kink activities, or anything else —isn’t just unethical, it’s also illegal. If you find yourself in this situation, get out as soon as possible and report them to the authorities if necessary  No one deserves to be treated like this, no matter what. 

9. They don’t listen when you say “no” 

Just like with any other type of relationship, communication is key in a BDSM relationship. If one person isn’t listening when the other says “no” —whether it’s about sex, kink activity, etc.— then that’s a huge problem. A good relationship is built on communication and mutual respect —if those two things are lacking, then there’s really no point in continuing forward. 

10. They withhold affection as punishment 

Withholding affection as punishment is just plain cruel. A good BDSM relationship includes plenty of communication, love, trust, and yes —affection! If one person starts withholding affection as punishment for something —even if it’s something minor —then that should be considered a major red BDSM flag indicating that this isn’t a healthy relationship worth continuing. 

Also Read: Red Flags of Dominants in BDSM

Some Last Words

If you see any of these red kink flags in your current BDSM dating or relationships situation, it might be time to reassess whether or not this is truly the right match for you. Remember: a good BDSM relationship has no coercion! So, if you see any of these red flags, it is important to reach out for help from a trusted friend or therapist who can help you assess the situation and make a plan to keep yourself safe.