Are you new to the BDSM community and still finding your way around a BDSM relationship? Don’t understand what to do as a submissive and what not? Don’t worry, we understand that it is possible to get carried away by lust and desire during the initial phases of your BDSM Exploration and overlook all other factors. But hey, they are as important as they are in a Vanilla relationship. We are right by your side to tell you what not to look for in a Dominant or say, the Red Flags of Dominants in BDSM Relationship.
Since there is a Power Exchange that is vital to a BDSM Relationship, the submissives do have a lot to lose if the Dominant partner is toxic in any way. A BDSM sub couple must keep in mind that the Power dynamic starts only after the pre-negotiation of terms. And that’s how to start a BDSM relationship that is based on trust and respect. More so, for the Submissive partner as they practically surrender all control in the hands of the Dominant BDSM partner so it is definitely something to think through instead of stripping off hastily, both literally and metaphorically.
Let’s catch you up on these Warning Signs that should at least be up for discussion in your BDSM Relationship if you spot them, and not be ignored in the trance of the sexual relationship.
What are these Red Flags in the BDSM Relationship?
Even in the kind of relationship where you lose quite a lot of control as a sub, the decision to lose it or regain it should completely be in your hands. Keep your senses receptive to any signs of toxic behavior, some of which are listed, as follows:
Jumps Straight to Dirty Talk without the Consent Talk
We will say it as many times as it needs to be said!! Consent is the foundation to any kind of relationship- romantic, sexual, BDSM you name it. Skipping the Consent talk and discussion of Terms and Boundaries is non-negotiable. And the submissive should just walk in the opposite direction if they come across such dominants in BDSM. Even if it doesn’t seem like that much of a problem now, a blur boundary and no discussion of consent and safewords etc. could come back to bite you later. And we wouldn’t want you to regret anything. So, Run.
Refuses to have a SafeWord as it ‘Kills the Mood’
A Safe Word is supposed to kill the mood and signal a break in the middle of the scene because of any kind of discomfort that you might be feeling. It is a pass to veto consent if you feel like it, and is absolutely crucial. Any Dominant partner in a BDSM relationship who is against the usage of a safe word and makes you feel guilty when you use it, is a Big No-No. It shows the lack of respect the Dom has for the Sub’s safety and choices. Needless to say, the right to revoke consent and stop in the middle of a BDSM play is reserved by both the parties. Anybody who tries to take that away from you is not worth it.
There is more Take than Give in the BDSM Relationship
As a submissive in a BDSM relationship, you are entitled to have a certain set of preferences. And as it is a Give and Take relationship, they must be fulfilled. A few Doms interpret Submissive to be just a prop who they can use as they please. Conversely, you signed up for an equal exchange and you can ask for it. This selfishness of demands when it comes to sexual contribution should be called out immediately else it becomes a pattern.
Disrespects You as a Submissive
Another Red Flag of dominants in BDSM that waves right at you is a general sense of disrespect that you might be feeling. As a Sub, there is a very thin line between consensual submission and disrespect. But you need to be aware of it. A visible pattern like not asking for your feedback in between scenes, trying to push your hard limits or even the soft limits without any prior discussion, guilting you or manipulating you into being intimate even when you don’t feel like, etc. should be enough to gauge the toxicity of the Dominant partner. You shouldn’t let it affect your Self-worth, just walk out if it ever comes to that.
Displays Unhealthy Dominant Behaviors in a BDSM Relationship
Now, you might feel uncontrollably attracted to your Dominant BDSM partner when they ask you to do stuff. But you should be able to distinguish it with Intimidation and manipulation. Any kind of demands that are made in an Intimidating or threatening tone like ‘or else’ are clear Red flags. Any domination that is not pre-discussed and consented upon should be reprimanded.
Immediately Expects you to Switch to Honorifics and vice versa at an Early Stage in the BDSM Relationship
Getting to the Honorifics like Daddy, Mistress etc is a whole stage of a BDSM relationship. But it comes only when there is a certain level of trust between the partners. If there is an unrealistic expectation from the Dom’s side, it is a Red Flag. This is because there is no connection there. Likewise, if they start calling you by your preferred names as a Submissive way too soon, it is all superficial and you better not indulge with it.
Controls your Interaction within the BDSM Community
They are the Dom and they get to dictate you as per the agreement during the scenes too. But you are the one who rests the power in their hands. You also possess the right to take it back anytime you want. A Dom partner who ‘doesn’t like you interacting with other people in the BDSM Community’ is an insecure person and doesn’t deserve to be with you.
Lack of Aftercare in the BDSM Relationship
Aftercare is extremely important as the BDSM Play is bound to leave you tired and exhausted. This is especially if the roughness quotient is higher. To help and support you to come back to normalcy is a very important aspect of Dominant BDSM partner’s responsibility. And if your partner is distant as soon as the scene ends, think over your BDSM Relationship. It shows that they are abusive dominants in BDSM and only into the ‘fun’ parts of it and find Aftercare really unnecessary.
Conclusion
To reiterate on the Submissive partner’s rights, it is entirely your decision to place that level of trust and build an intimate relationship with a Dominant person. So, if you don’t think you can be as vulnerable around someone, you have to come out of it. You do not have to keep bearing the Toxic patterns of a BDSM relationship under the garb of Dominance. That being said, this is not to school you on how to start a BDSM Relationship keeping your preferences aside. But definitely keep these things in mind before you come into any kind of relationship.
