A Love Triangle

Anonymous asks (on Tumblr):
I’m dating and I’m wondering when I should bring up polyamory? I’m kind of afraid to bring it up because I do not want to scare him.

Hans Answers

Most importantly: You don’t have to do anything! You can -if you really want that- stay inside the closet for years while you know that you actually want something else…
hm, might not sound so well if I say it like this. I don’t mean it in a degenerating or cynical way, because all jokes aside: it has everything to do with how sure you are about your feelings.

How Confident Are you About Yourself?

Does poly seem like fun but have you actually never experienced non-monogamy? Have you thought about it but never really talked about it? Well, if you have a beautiful partner which is attractive in many different ways and also seems to be a bit open-minded, then there is a chance of you “coming around”… that you’re not as non-monogamous as you think you are right now. But then there is the risk of you having to come out of the closet a few years later or that you have to choose to cheat on someone so that you can place those kinds of feelings…

No, I don’t mean that in a funny way. This is actually the exact story of quite a few people which I’ve met as a coach. They already knew they were poly, found it difficult to talk about it and because they didn’t start talking about it themselves, their partner also didn’t know that they should talk about this subject. (not mentioning something important can also be a lie). But after a few years, they felt like they needed to give in more, got an opportunity which was so good that they could not resist, and all of the sudden they had to look at someone who was cheating in the mirror (and believe me, then it will be much more difficult to open up your relationship)…

So I always say “the sooner the better…”

Someone Should Want you the Way you Are?

Obviously, you can wait to bring it up, but if you are completely certain about you being poly and the other person does not like poly at all…why should you wait for someone only to find out that he/she does not want you after all?

In the end, that will bring a lot more unnecessary drama, right?

So, don’t wait too long and I always advise: especially somewhere before the first date where someone invests time, effort or money in you as a date. If you bring it up somewhere halfway during the night and your date does not want to know anything about poly, then it might happen that your night ends up in drama in a matter of seconds.
…If someone makes a reservation in a restaurant, if someone pays for your movie, if someone spends two hours doing her hair to look extra pretty just for you, if someone has a date just with you and set aside other things for it…

And especially when someone lets you know that you are what the heart desires… bring it up somewhere in between, in a WhatsApp, an email or a phone call.

Something about your friend who thinks it’s okay, something about a date with previous boy/girlfriends where you had so much fun, a quote about dating and that you first wanted to call your girl/boyfriend before you would share the bed with a new partner and that this was a little awkward…

Exceptions to the rule are obviously booty calls and one-night stands…
(even if you still have those…it can be more fun if you do say it) 😊

Or Is it Just a Topic of Conversation?

Or you can obviously turn this into a normal topic of conversation during this phase where you get to know each other and where things might possibly turn into a relationship. Especially when you’re not completely sure about yourself when it comes to this.

Talk About it!

It’s not an infectious disease, it’s who you are! Especially when you’re not completely sure about it, it might be better to talk about what’s on your mind. This way, someone can start thinking about it with you and you can see what you think about it together. You might be able to look for something which suits you as a couple.

But This Was a Question…

But if you ask me this question, then you’re not looking forward to saying it…

Maybe because of your insecurity?

Treat yourself to a few conversations to look into these things. This way, you can truly date being yourself.

Or it might be the good old doubt “if I’m worth it?”

I can’t say anything else than: “Welcome to the club! It is such a normal thing to doubt about, unfortunately. I had it in my own life and actually, everybody who is honest towards his/herself had to deal with this.”

I would actually like to add: “Hey, you seem to be open-minded and smart enough to try something outside of the “ordinary! Intelligence is sexy!!!”

You could also drop this partner and from this point on just skip this entire phase by only dating people from whom you know they are non-monogamous. It prevents a lot of hassle, but it does make the pond in which you’re fishing a little smaller.

Choices, choices, choices 😊

Read more articles by Hans here.

Hans has over a quarter of a century of experience in the mental health sector. Hans is a certified physiotherapist, psychotherapist and relationship coach. The debilitating effects of shame and taboos have always had his attention.

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.