Not just the dominant partner can be an “unhealthy” partner, the “submissive” party can also influence the relationship in a negative way, resulting in the relationship being unhealthy for one or multiple participants. I will describe a couple of “red flags” that people can encounter at the submissive side of D/s.
I strive for completeness so if you have anything to add, please leave a comment.
The sub who shows a lot of behaviors that are being presented in the following list of “red flags” does require more alertness. When you see one of the following red flags, you don’t need to panic immediately. There are a few mentions here and some count heavier than the other. But when you do see a red flag, you do need to be more alert, listen to your gut feeling a bit more. Possibly there are plenty of other green flags that compensate for that one red flag completely. But you might see more red flags because of the extra alertness, who altogether do form a clear signal that needs to be discussed in a good and equal manner. Optionally, with third person involved. And if you cannot talk about your concerns and you feel good about it afterwards, then this is obviously another red flag…
If you recognize any red flags down below, then I do recommend to think about them so that you do not blame yourself afterwards because you did not recognize all the warning signs. A lot of people say, after the get out of an unhealthy relationship, that they did not want to seem like they “criticize” everything and that’s why they never brought it up. And indeed, when you never bring it up, you end up feeling alone. But we talk about your health and about your heart here.
It does not help to “want to believe that everything is okay”.
What are those red flags?
A relationship (including a BDSM relationship) starts to be an unhealthy one when someone does not give space to the other partner to have his/her own life outside of the relationship:
- By, from a submissive and dependent position, trying to prevent the Dom to contact others -especially friends and family and/or other equal minded people from the BDSM community. This in itself poses a risk.
- Dom(me)s can feel really drained when there is no space for their own life, own spirituality and own friendships.
When someone does not take the underlying relationship in a BDSM relationship seriously.
- By “cheating” outside of the set rules
- It is not a good sign when someone does not want to clarify what kind of role they have in each others life or if there cannot be a serious discussion about what you want to do with your relationship in the future,
- On the other hand, when someone is ‘completely submissive’ and ‘completely in love’ before you’ve actually really met, then someone is probably more in love with the fantasy about you than with you.
When someone does not respect your feelings.
- When someone does not take your feelings seriously which makes you feel embarrassed for your real sincere feelings.
- When someone has big -and especially- unexpected mood swings in being nice and caring and then being cold and blameful.
- When your sub is very jealous and cannot stand when your attention is directed at someone else.
- Or when your sub cannot be reached for days or weeks without telling you this.
When someone does not play based on mutual agreements and responsibility (SSC and/or RACK), then this is clearly a “red flag”.
- When someone is trying to stimulate your dominance by making your angry, this can be by ridiculing your dominance inside the scene or humiliate you in front of other people. Especially if this happens outside of a play events with non-BDSM people, friends and/or family this poses a risk.
- When someone gives you the feeling that you should be able to handle something “because you’re not a real Dom(me) otherwise”.
When someone seems to be very stuck in a role, then this is a “red flag”
- When someone can only act from a sub role.
- When someone without a lot of experience says that/he/she can “take it all” (because this has been a big fantasy). There is a big chance that someone is “taking” things they actually can’t, which only cause misery afterwards.
- When someone is being too submissive or immediately hungers for “punishment” and is not able to “be wrong” and end it with a “sorry, I did not mean it like that”.
- When someone is constantly being submissive to all authority figures who are not involved in the play, such as police in uniform, boss or colleagues, etc.
When a more experienced sub does not give time for the beginning dominant to grow into the role and find an own style and instead immediately tries to shape this person into a desired Dom. These can all be considered “red flags”.
- When someone pushes you too fast or too much towards the Dominant side of a D/s relationship.
- When someone lets the Dom do things that are not in line with the personal limitations and “likes/dislikes””.
- When someone does not seem to care about the limits, negotiations, deals or “contracts” you’ve set.
- Chances are that someone won’t respect your safewords or does not want to evaluate when you ask because you “should be able to read their mind”
People who do not have their own life in order, can also drag down the life of their partners, causing damaging situations.
- When someone wants to borrow large sums of money (from others or from you)
- When someone tries to damage him/herself or threatens with suicide.
- When there is a scenario of alcohol and/or drug abuse of such proportions that addiction and/or dependence might be the case.
- When someone gets him/herself into bad or even dangerous situations by the things they do or say in daily life -for example to aggressive people, bad men or women, criminals.
Someone’s general trustworthiness can be a “red flag”.
- When someone is clearly lying or when someone is keeping information for you or does not fulfill their agreements on a regular basis
- When someone regularly does not show up at agreed times. (or shows up at times that you did not agree on)
- When someone keeps blaming others when things go wrong and does not take responsibility for their own mistakes.
When someone does not handle his/her emotions very well
- When someone has anger or panic attacks. Especially when this happens when the Dom is doing “something wrong”.
- When someone is not able to have a constructive difference of opinions but instead starts screaming, moaning or starts blaming others.
- When someone can only be horny and submissive and never wants to show other “human” vulnerable feelings.
When someone has a lot of bad past relationships, then this is a “red flag”:
- You can notice this:
- In case of a bad relationship with most family members (that does depend a little on the family, because there are more unhealthy family constellations).
- In case of an absence of old friends
- When someone argues with their exes a lot
- When these exes have a common feeling of “being cheated” by the sub.
- When someone gets easily and suddenly upset with friends or former friends, suddenly declaring them to be enemies when they feel disappointed.
Most of the time, it is a pretty bad sign when someone has a bad name or bad role in the BDSM community itself, a scene which should work in a self-cleansing way.
- When someone has a lot of fights within the scene or
- is overly criticizing the BDSM community
- does not participate or never wanted to participate in this community. (which as a whole also has a lot of knowledge about responsible behaviour and responsible “play forms”).
Also: people who have lots of different friends in the entire community and are good friends with everybody, but all of these friendships were only just established, then it can be that someone has being manipulative so he/she can “infiltrate” within the scene. This can be out of enthusiasm, but it also can be a sign of someone not being able to maintain relationships very well and tries to “start completely over again” in the scene.
If you would like to talk to Hans and learn more about his individual and relationship coaching approach, you can best reach him via Kink Aware Coaching.